A Different Kind of Coffee Break

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Prepare yourself, it is once again that time when I feel the need to apologize for the lack of activity (even though it goes against my vow to stop apologizing for everything). This year, admittedly, has been a mess. I have struggled with depression for years, but 2019 has been exceptionally rough. I have mentioned this in pretty much every other previous apology, but my mental health recently took a pretty severe turn for the worse.

Fall was her favorite time of the year.
She loved watching the leaves floating down
from the trees.
At the end of July/beginning of August 2007, I met a beautiful little creature who would become my best friend and closest companion. I named her Rainbow, after a member of my favorite band The Birthday Massacre. For twelve years, she was pretty much always at my side. We never spent a night apart and I was always her favorite place to sleep. I will never be able to put into words how amazing (and alien) she was. I also do not have the words to express how much I love her nor how much she loved me back. At the beginning of this year, she began to show signs of feline dementia. She would sometimes look confused and forgot things we would always do. We had a thing where I would say "kiss" while looking at her and she would give me an Eskimo kiss. This is one of the first things she forgot. Her personality also began to change and she started spending more time away from me during the day. I had a feeling that our time together was coming to an end, and I think she knew this too. She went from spending all her time with me to begging to be in rooms by herself. She was weaning me from her. On Tuesday, August 6th, she left me. Watching her deteriorate before her death took a tremendous toll on me, but the absence left after she was gone ripped my heart to pieces. I read an article about grieving after the loss of a pet in which the author mentioned something along the lines of "it broke my brain". I think that is a perfect way of describing how I feel. I am lost without her and even though it has now been over two months, I am still unable to get used to it.

She loved cuddling with me on our My Melody comforter. She looked at me like this often. I'm so glad I took a picture.

As someone who makes the unhealthy decision to run from my feelings, I have been keeping myself busy by cleaning, doing yard work, and consuming a ton of various forms of media. Currently, reading is providing the most relief from the pain I feel by providing multiple worlds for me to easily escape into. So, I have plenty to talk about and/or review, but my brain is still broken. I keep attempting to write a post, but each time I find myself struggling (more than usual) to put my thoughts into words. I have also got out of the habit of writing regularly which just makes everything more difficult. When I am writing on a regular basis, the blog usually has several long reviews and things like Twilight Spotlight. When I take a break, there are usually only short/quick reviews that I tend to delete later. I hate these posts. I never feel like they are good, which does not help my practically nonexistent self-esteem (thus the cycle of depression continues).

I love writing. I do not think I am good at it, but I love it. I wish I could keep myself on a schedule and post reliably, but  I highly doubt that will ever happen.

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