and we are lost....again.

Monday, July 5, 2021

 This year has been a lot. I know this is probably unsurprising. Yet again I have let this blog become inactive. I love writing, I just have a severe lack of confidence that I can do anything justice. I lack the ability to find the proper words to describe what I feel and think. I was hoping that having a blog focused on doing just that would allow me to practice, but due to my life and everything I have been going through mentally and physically, I have not been able to keep up with it. It leaves me feeling even more lost. I've been doing this for years...why has the problem not improved? 

I need a regular creative outlet. I know this. I am just unsure what that entails. Do I continue writing? If so, do I write more reviews or something else? I tried writing a book once...but then lost all the files and haven't been able to get over the loss so that I can try again. Is writing even my thing? Am I just trying to be something I am not? 

It is funny that this argument in my head is constant. However, it seems to be really bogging me down recently. For the first time in a very long time, I am actually trying to better myself. I have started seeing a doctor for my physical ailments and will be tackling finding help for my mental health issues soon. This has led to another burst of energy and as usual, the first thing I think of doing is writing and this blog. Why do I keep coming back to writing if I'm not meant to do it? Am I just suffering from imposter syndrome or something? 

Writing is the easiest way for me to explain things. It is the way I communicate best. It always has been. Why do I feel like I am so lacking in this area though? Why do I struggle so much to find the proper words that fully describe what I am thinking or feeling? I'm just lost.

If I continue to write reviews, I know I will inevitably put unnecessary pressure on myself to have a schedule and have a certain amount of information in each post. I will also start stressing out about blog promotion and social media crap. I will quickly find myself burnt out as another bout of depression settles in. Then the blog will slowly become inactive again and the quality of posts will go downhill at a rapid pace. I will eventually come back...and then the cycle will continue.

So what can I do to change this? Do I change the blog or give up? Should I just focus on my tarot business that I'm struggling to get going for the same reasons I struggle here? It's obvious something needs to change...I just don't know what.